RELATIONSHIP ADVICE . . . why you should come back soon!

WILMA PROOPS' BACKGROUND
Learn something about the most genuine Agony Aunt in the whole wide world!

Wilma Proops came the the attention of the world when pictures of her bare arse were plastered on the front cover of gutter-press and broadsheets alike. Our heroine had been on a desperate mission to advice David Blaine that he was a nincompoop, was unfortunately quite drunk and tripped over while on top of Blaine's Perspex box, above the River Thames in London, England. That Wilma had made it that far is surely symptomatic of her passion for advising people . . . Read more about Wilma Proop's below this blog . . .

A NOTICE
FOR THE ATTENTION OF REGULAR WILMA READERS ONLY

Regular readers of Wilma Proops' Comedy Problem Page realise that most serious Problem Pages dish out "absolute shite advice". They know that other "so called Agony Aunts" aren't driven to give advice like Wilma is. Do you know any other Agony Aunt who has pursued celebrities all over the world to advice them that they're acting strange? The others do it for money, whereas Wilma gives advice out of the goodness of her heart and because she enjoys it. "Being an Agony Aunt" says Wilma "has solved my greatest problems, namely me being a nosey cow and my need to gossip. People expect me to ask intimate questions so they reveal all sorts of juicy information about themselves and others and then I pass it all on when I've had a few . . ."

WILMA'S NEWS:
WILMA FOLLOWS HER OWN RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
by Sally Richards, P A to Wilma Proops and trainee journalist.

Wilma Proops followed her own advice and copped off with an admirer for the Summer months. She has therefore not bothered to answer her letters but has instead worked on her tan, adding to her jewellery collection and living cost free. Wilma has kept herself fit by swimming in the private pool, at the Spanish villa, which came free with her admirer. She has continued her lateral trainer regimen and added a 30 minute session on a 6seconds abs machine. Although she is a self-proclaimed lush Wilma drinks mineral water "sin gas" and only eats the finest foods. When Wilma finishes with her current partner (on the basis that this is a trial separation - in case she wants to come back next year), she'll be popping off (with the money saved via living buckshee) to have a little plastic surgery in Estonia. "I always come back looking younger from my summers away" she says.

"I'm living with Burt (not his real name) over the summer because I want to and I'm following my own advice: Before entering into any personal relationship ask yourself "Will this relationship improve my life?" and only proceed if you can answer "yes".

MORE ABOUT BURT (NOT HIS REAL NAME)
AND LIFE ON THE COSTA DEL SOL

Burt is a real cutie, nothing is too much trouble. His staff have ensured that my stay here has been fabulous and all the time my bank balance has been rising and presents, from Burt, arrive daily".

I asked Wilma "What does Burt get out of your relationship?". Wilma seemed surprised that I didn't know the answer and her reply was most revealing:

"Burt gets a very uncomplicated, contented woman who is his best ever drinking partner. Most of all Burt gets laughter - he loves my impersonations and pranks. Together we take the piss out of everyone he has ever met and this has proven to be excellent therapy for him. I've had a very full life and Burt enjoys my anecdotes"

So, I asked "Why are you ending your relationship with Burt?" Again, Wilma seemed surprised I didn't know.

"As with everything I do" Wilma began "I like to leave 'em wanting more". She continued: "Burt is a good bloke but, like all but the few exceptional men in the world, Burt will soon come to take for granted the way I have improved his, until now, boring life. Also, although I have led a full life, I'm afraid he has not and this makes Burt very boring and straight laced. You see, although Burt and I are of similar ages, I was a child of the 60s [flower power] but Burt always conformed to the most capitalist tenures of capitalism.

Burt saw that the main reason to live was to make money. I can't complain - I've benefited hugely from his generosity and accumulated wealth - but this infatuation with money makes people very boring indeed. Money for money's sake is an extremely vulgar concept - one I have always cautioned against. If you have to work 24/7 it should be directed at something worthwhile and not only worthwhile for yourself. Call it karma of you wish - in Liverpool we maintain that "you get back what you put in and if you rip people off and exploit all you deal with you'll get yours one way or another".

What is the point of making money if you don't enjoy some hours of everyday? What's the point of scrimping to amass funds? Burt is fast coming to the opinion that all his work and amassing has been worthwhile - he has after all got the partner he wanted - yours truly. If I stay with him he'll reach that opinion very soon so, tonight, when I tell him my bags are packed, that any gifts of value have been transferred and that I'm leaving, I'll assure that he doesn't think he's been right to act in the thoroughly objectionable way he has.

I'm an Agony Aunt - so I'll leave him with some hope that we'll resume our relationship at some point in the future and some tips on how to become less disagreeable - treat his tenants with respect, don't purchase the cheapest but rather the most ethical, adopt an work for a children's and an animals charity, get himself a dog and a cat, do some exercise. I'll also leave him with a reading list - The Women's Room will be top of that list.

I'll be is Estonia in a couple of days and, while I'm recuperating from my cosmetic surgery, I hope to catch up with the post from my mailbag and the many emails people have sent to me via Comedy Moment. Please tell my readers - new and old - that I'll be answering more questions and requests for advice soon"

I left Wilma, sipping a cocktail and lounging in the sun "I should be back in time to give my advice on preparing for Christmas" were her last words to me. I saw Burt on the way out. He was still in the dark as to Wilma's intention to dump him and I said nothing to warn him.

Sally Ricahardson - PA to Wilma Proops